Myths about same-sex domestic violence

MYTH: "Violence between two men or two women is a 'fight' between equals."
Truth: Domestic violence is not the same as a consensual fight, no matter who is involved. Loving, healthy relationships do not include physical fighting. Domestic violence is about control and domination of one person by another; either person could be male, either person could be female. Batterers do not have to be bigger or stronger than the person they abuse.


MYTH: "If you fight back, then it's not abuse."
Truth: Fighting back is not abuse, nor does it make the relationship "mutually abusive." Survivors have used violence for many reasons, including self-defense, desperation, anger, and to try to stop the abuse. When survivors use violence the results can be complicated. Police are often confused by same-sex domestic violence and may arrest the wrong or both parties. Friends may disbelieve the survivor. Using violence to survive is a sign that something is wrong -- making a plan to get support is important.


MYTH: "Women are not violent."
Truth: There is ample evidence that both genders have capacity for violence. Some women abuse other women, men, and children. Abusers and their victims come from all genders, races, classes, religions, and regions.


MYTH: "Lesbian relationships are based on equality - lesbians have ideal, loving relationships."
Truth: Lesbian relationships are just as good and as bad as all other relationships and have most of the same problems. The myth that lesbian relationships are perfect leads to silence among lesbians who are abused.


MYTH: "Domestic violence primarily occurs among GLBT people who hang out at bars, are poor or are people of color."
Truth: Abusers and their victims come from all genders, races, classes, religions, and regions. Racist and classist stereotypes around domestic violence are common not just in the GLBT community, but also in the dominant heterosexual culture.


MYTH: "The law does not and will not protect victims of same-sex domestic violence."
Truth: Although many law enforcement professionals and court systems are still confused about same-sex domestic violence, there have been many constructive changes in recent years. In many jurisdictions, mandatory arrest policies require the police to intervene and arrest the person they perceive to be the batterer. Although many police remain confused when attempting to sort out incidents involving same gender couples and may end up arresting the wrong or both parties in a battering situation, opportunities to educate and train the police and courts about the realities of domestic violence in same-sex relationships are increasing.


Differences between same-sex and opposite-sex domestic violence


Although domestic violence is largely the same in heterosexual and homosexual relationships, gay, lesbian and bisexual victims of domestic violence have some additional problems.